The Skykian Archives Presents...
How To Become A Group AdminA guide five years in the making
Find a group, of course! For instance, you like ferrets? You like drawing ferrets? Were your first ever OCs on the internet ferrets? Then by golly, you go find a roleplay group about ferrets! It is your destiny, my child. And I can promise you, great things are in store for one as special as yourself.
Now that you've gotten yourself situated into a nice ferrety roleplay community, it's time to get to know the crew running the show... that's right, I'm talking about the admins! Why don't you introduce yourself to them, drop in a hi on the front page?
No? Aw, pumpkin, don't you worry about it. It's scary enough being in a new group by yourself. But talking to admins? Oh jeez, that's a whole 'nother level. Like I said, it's cool. Socializing will come in time!
You know those common feelings that everyone goes through when they first join a group? Insecurity over one's newness, disappointment over the lack of ferrety gift-art that should have immediately been swarming in after you submitted that beautiful ref sheet, feeling intimidated by the admins since they're, you know... admins? Well, while some people may tell you that those feelings are perfectly normal and are part of the growing process as a lifetime roleplayer, I'm here to tell you that those people are silly nillies who are DEAD WRONG. Those aren't common feelings, my dear. Those feelings you have? They're one of a kind. They're more special than a Christmas snowflake in the middle of Texas. You embrace those feelings, and you grow them until they fester within your heart.
Have those feelings festered into a cold burning hatred yet? No? Don't worry, we'll get back to that later. In the meantime, let's talk about friendship!
Oh no, I'm not talking about making friends with the admins, don't you worry. Those assholes had their chance. Everyone knows that a good staff team has an at least decent grasp on telepathic functions. Surely they know what you've been going through, and if they haven't spoken even a single kind word to you at all since you first joined FerretsUnited, then who needs them?!
What I'm talking about are members. You know, the people who have been equally as oppressed and neglected as you have been. I think it's time you start drawing mass gift art and making special bonds not just with the ferrets you have in mind, but their players. One needs alliances in these dark and troubling times...
Ahh, I see the first few little buds of hatred beginning to bloom within your soul. Good, good. You leave that garden alone, for now. It can take care of itself by this point. You have more important things to do.
... Such as that one idea you had in mind as a new location on the group's map! You see, you've been thinking to yourself for a while: these ferrets? They could use a pool. And not just any pool, but a magical one! Right in the ferrety clans' meeting grounds. It'd be a nice way to help everyone relax during those monthly get-togethers, and provides an interesting setting for that one forbidden romance couple you and a friend have been developing on the side (your ferret with their skunk. It's been getting pretty steamy.) And once a year, on every harvest moon, a unicorn appears to change the water of the pool to a different color. This is such a cool idea, man! There's no way the admins can say no to that!
OH MY GODS YOU ARE SO P.I.S.S.E.D. RIGHT NOW.
You know what those dirty stinkin' staff members did? They told you no. No. NO to your flawless, perfect idea! You liked this idea! Your friends liked this idea. But the admins? Oooooohhhh, no, they couldn't see your genius for what it was. Those disgusting tyrants had the audacity to tell you that the world of FerretsUnited doesn't allow for magical pools, or unicorns! Even worse, they told you that your ideas could potentially interfere with other members' plans. Other members? Other members?! What about you? What about that forbidden romance plot you had going with your ferret and his three skunky concubines? How will you four be able to salvage your plot now that your idea was so coldly denied?! If members really were going to have a problem with a magical pool, couldn't they just take it up with you instead? You totally could have yelled them into submission without the admins' help at all!
You know what you must do now, Speaker of Ferrets. That
Okay, so you took some time to calm down (against your better judgement, but still) and think things over for a bit. You locked yourself in your room, meditated on lunchables and airheads, and prayed to the Roleplay Gods for guidance on what step to take next. For good measure, you also threatened to stop giving sacrificial offerings to them if they didn't pay attention to you.
And it was then, in that time of darkness and solitude, that an epiphany finally hit you.
FerretsUnited has been your home for about... eh, two years now? FU, on the other hand, has been around for at least five. It was founded by foreplayers long before your time as an rp addict, forged by ancient forces before eventually being passed down to the group of tyrannical admins you now see before you. Although you must admit, they've done their part, too. They may not be the ones who first created this Ferrety paradise, but they are the ones who slaved away on its revamping age to make it the group it is, today. The group you joined years and years later.
... Which is exactly why you were destined to make this group your own.
That's right, my special snowflake. You may have stumbled into FerretsUnited long after its conception, birth, and public school years; it may be that you only got to meet it once it had already graduated into a beautiful figurative college student... but by golly, it is time for you to raise your sword of justice and claim this symbolic college student as a betrothed for yourself and your closest friends! (The admins may have chosen friends on their staff team, but this is different! Cause your friends are like... cooler friends! Way cooler!)
(Well, the admins say that they only became friends after getting to know one another on the job, but you know better than that. You can see through their LIES.)
Time to start buckling down and weaving the most passive aggressive messages you can possibly make. Remember; the more passive aggressive, the easier you can get away with harrassing those good-for-nuthin' tyrants straight outta the office.
After all, what this Ferrety land really needs is an admin like YOU.
Just a friendly reminder to make sure and do your research before you lead FU onto that road of glorious mutiny. Did you ever watch Star Wars before? No? Well, I think it's time you hopped onto that couch of yours and start taking notes on the Dark Side, you filthy Trekkie!
More specifically, you should pay attention to the prequels. Those old classics are tired retellings of the evergoing war of good vs. evil. You are above such archaic things. You? Your destiny is to become the Anakin Skywalker of Ferret-loving roleplayers everywhere.
Go on, young padawan. Be the self entitled hero that everyone (on your friend's list) wanted all along.
Note: Don't forget to complain about the sand. It's coarse and gets everywhere.
Oh, and that forbidden relationship? Don't worry, you're gonna score skunk concubines everywhere, baby.
Always remember to look to the Holy Scriptures when you are feeling lost or undecided, or in need of guidance (no human on this earth is worthy of your ear anyways.)
Internet Proverbs 23:19
"You are NEVER too old to fight with people on the internet over a fictional group of fictional ferrets that other people made." (New Living Translation)
Also, those people who are still expressing doubt over that idea you had with the unicorn and the color-changing pool? You make sure and shut them down. UNI IS A VERY SPECIAL PART OF YOUR LIFE OKAY?! SHE GOT YOU THROUGH A LOT OF BAD TIMES.
You wake up one day from your power-thirsty stupor to realize half the people you were getting into verbal spats with every day have finally left the group. Not only that, but it has left behind a chorus of horrified members who have the audacity to name you the one at fault for all these shed tears and empty spaces.
Ugh, how dare they! Clearly they're just biased, sniveling fan-kids. Not at all like your far classier circle of friends, who have always been able to see the light and back up the right people. Don't lose faith, young padawan! The people (that matter) still support you! Hold steadfast to your beliefs, and know that the throne you crave is just waiting for you to arrive.
Speaking of which, some of those friends have somehow found themselves in the totally deserved spots of power that the former team left behind. Currently they are battling their fellow staff members, yelling at anyone who disagrees with your superior mindset as they pave the way for your glorious reign.
Gooooood, goooooood. It's only a matter of time, now...
You... you did it.
You finally did it. After months of figurative toil and foaming spitfire, you have climbed your way to the top, donned your new Vader mask, and conquered the lands you were so divinely led to. FerretsUnited is officially your domain. You even got rid of that outdated co-leadership system that had been around for WAY too long, returning the rank of Head Admin to FU, just like you'd wanted to alllll this time. It may have nearly caused the group's death a few years back, but you? You're better than that. Under your totaltarian domain, nothing can go wrong! You know this, your friends know this, that new band of preteen cultists you managed to get to swear fealty to you upon your promotion know this.
And you? As you stand on the cliffside overseeing Unicorn Pool, cape blowing in the wind as your magical staff continues to shoot lasers at the landscape beyond, setting all that is old to flames and forging a perfect world for yourself and your bestest pals, as ferrets shriek in agony in the distance and all the skunk ladies fall at your character's feet begging for his love and mercy, you think to yourself... yes.
Yes. I have achieved all that is important in the world.